Step One: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.
The First Step
As a young boy I recall my parents being social drinkers. I remember watching my parents celebrating the holidays and the good times with friends over alcohol. I was intrigued by their alluring laughter and the kinship brought on by the foul smelling, funny tasting beverages my father would concoct in our kitchen.
My earliest experience with alcohol was when I ten. I was an alter boy in our church and I was tasked with refilling the cruets with wine and water after mass. I’m not really sure why I did it but I found myself one evening after mass sneaking sips of the wine. I disliked the taste and I was unable to understand at the time what was so glamorous about alcohol to my parents or why they would choose to celebrate with it. I vowed never to drink again that day but I was only ten at the time and unable to understand the true power that alcohol could have in a person’s life.
It was four years later when my drinking career began in earnest. My father had lost his steady job and my parents, unable to pay the tuition at the Catholic school I attended, decided it would be best if I moved across town with my grandparents. I didn’t understand why I had to leave the house at such an early age. I was the good kid. My sisters, teenagers at the time, had started with their rebellious behavior and yet it seemed like I was the one being punished. The only answer my parents could give me at the time as to why I couldn’t attend our local school district was simply because there were too many minorities at the school I would have to attend.
I hated living with my grandparents but after the school year I was able to return home. My father had begun working out of town and was gone for months at a time. My mother for reasons still unknown to me began allowing my sisters to have parties at our house. Alcohol was always present and my bedroom soon became the hookup room. It wasn’t uncommon for me to wake up and have to slither my way around people passed out all over our floor.
I lost my virginity that summer. One of my sister’s friends came on to me as we sat outside on the porch swing. She asked if I was a virgin and I told her I was. She seemed excited by the thought of taking my virginity and even though I still considered myself a good Catholic boy and wanted to save myself for marriage, I gave in. Afterwards, perhaps out of guilt or shame, I began drinking. For awhile I only drank on the weekends and it seemed to make me popular with my sister’s friends but I soon found myself drinking alone and on the weekdays.
When I was sixteen I got my girlfriend pregnant. We waited as long as we could before we told our parents. My girlfriend and I got married after my oldest daughter was born and just before my seventeenth birthday. We both stayed in school and my daughter gave me reasons not to drink. For a short time I managed to stay sober, but soon I was back on the bottle again.
It was just before I left for boot camp that my mother-in-law found a pint of Jack Daniels in my dresser drawer. She gave me an ominous warning that alcohol could ruin my life, to which I did not heed. After boot camp I began to drink on a daily basis. Drinking gave me a way to feel social and pass the time. It also gave me a way to hide the depression I was suffering from the dissolution of my first marriage and the distance I spent from my daughter.
I left the Marine Corps in 1998, returned home, and married my current wife a year later Though I was happy to be near my daughter again and in a good relationship with my current wife I was unable to stop drinking.
The first time my wife left me, after the birth of our second son, was because of my drinking problem. You might think this would scare me sober however you would be mistaken. Even though I was to drunk to walk down the stairs and she had taken the kids and the car and the money, I somehow managed to find enough quarters in our laundry money to walk to the liquor store, buy a case of beer, and stuff my emotions back down. She came back the next day under the guise that I would quit drinking, however a week later I fell off the wagon and was soon back to my old ways.
Year after year my wife and I would fight and argue about my drinking problem and time and time again I gave her the empty promise to quit drinking all the while knowing I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to quit drinking. I only wanted her to stop nagging me about it.
This past decade has been a blur. A cloudy, drunken haze most of which I don’t remember. My wife claims that I quit drinking at one point for several months at a time but I do not recall this period of my life.
Last year, I promised her I would quit drinking for good and I managed to stay sober for seven weeks, but at Christmas I decided I could drink just like everyone else did. I gave into the urge and took my first drink and my life quickly spiraled down from there. Alcohol held me in it’s suffocating grasp for this past year and in the end I was drinking just to maintain my sanity (or what little of it I thought I had).
The last night I drank I do not remember. I blacked out. I know my wife and I fought and argued. I know we fought and argued the next morning when I woke up and the arguments continued for most of the day. It came down to two choices. She would leave with the kids or I could leave and get help with my drinking problem. I left. I had no where to go and spent the evening in my van in the Wal-mart parking lot. I was broken. I had lost everything, my wife, my kids, and my home. I had lost a losing battle, 22 years in the making. Just as my first mother-in-law had predicted some 17 years ago, alcohol had ruined me and what little of a life that I had left had been unmanageable for as long as I could remember
Monday, December 26, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
What is My Relationship with God?
I was asked by my counselor to answer the following questions; What is my relationship with God? Is it the way I want it? Why or why not?
Here is my reply.
I suppose if I were to talk about my relationship with God then I would have to tell you how it got the way it did from the beginning. I was born to a catholic family in the south. I suppose that might be kind of an oxymoron and in a town that was run by baptists it was.I was fortunate enough to attend catholic school and we attended mass every Monday and Friday as a class along with mass on Saturdays with my family. I began my mornings with prayers just as I had been taught at school. When I was old enough I became an alter boy and greatly cherished my service to the church. I quickly became a favorite alter boy of the bishop over our diocese. When I was in eighth grade I left the catholic school I attended due to financial stress on the family. I no longer attended mass three times a week. In the years that followed I began to lose all contact I had with the catholic church. That carried on throughout high school but I found myself attending mass once again while I was in boot camp. After boot camp I lost touch with my spirituality aside from one year where I attended midnight mass. After my time in the service I began attending a non-denominational Christian church. Slowly I began to lose faith in my catholic upbringing all together. I began to understand, on my own terms, that the sacraments I had been studying and preparing myself for in the catholic faith couldn't get me into heaven. I realized that if I wanted to get to heaven all I had to do was accept Christ as my savior. Moving out to California in the early part of 2000 may have been the best thing for my spirituality. The church my wife attended as a young woman quickly became our home church and over the next several years, my spirituality and the closeness I felt with my Savior grew and grew. I began studying the bible in earnest. I offered up my service to the church, first as an usher, and then later as a teacher in the children's ministries. I found myself praying morning and night. I listened to the Word on the radio while I was at work. I preoccupied my mind with thoughts of my Savior. In 2003 I felt a calling on my life into ministry and then into chaplaincy in the Navy. I talked with my pastor and shared my desire to enter the ministry. He was pleased and offered to help me find a bible college to attend as long as I did the things I needed to on my part. Now for reasons unknown to me, I procrastinated. I made no effort what so ever to find my high school transcripts, request my G.I. bill, or follow up with my pastor to see what schools were available to me. Spiritually, at the time I was still close in the relationship with my Lord. My family and I continued to attend church regularly, I had stopped being an usher at the church to focus more time in the children’s ministry. My wife and I began a weekly bible study group for the kids at the apartment complex we were living in. For most of the kids this was the only church they attended. We continued the home bible study group for the kids for several months until the interest of the children fizzled out due to pressures from their parents. Slowly, however, the amount of time my family and I would attend church began to dwindle. We stopped working in the children’s ministry, missed a weekend at church here and there. The weekends gradually became months. Then months became a year. I stopped praying like I did and only prayed out of fear of losing all connections I had with God. There are several days this past year where I did not pray at all. I don’t really see it as God left me, more like I left God. When I finally admitted to myself that I am an alcoholic I asked God to help me. I suppose this is how I ended up at HVRC. I feel guilty, spiritually. I know only God can help me overcome this disease that I now know I have, but I feel as if I have let Him down. So many opportunities were placed before me in the past and I allowed my problem with alcohol get in the way of the man I believe He wants me to be. I hope I can overcome this feeling of guilt that I have. As I am writing this, I hope that this aloneness I feel in my spirituality is part of His greater plan.
Here is my reply.
I suppose if I were to talk about my relationship with God then I would have to tell you how it got the way it did from the beginning. I was born to a catholic family in the south. I suppose that might be kind of an oxymoron and in a town that was run by baptists it was.I was fortunate enough to attend catholic school and we attended mass every Monday and Friday as a class along with mass on Saturdays with my family. I began my mornings with prayers just as I had been taught at school. When I was old enough I became an alter boy and greatly cherished my service to the church. I quickly became a favorite alter boy of the bishop over our diocese. When I was in eighth grade I left the catholic school I attended due to financial stress on the family. I no longer attended mass three times a week. In the years that followed I began to lose all contact I had with the catholic church. That carried on throughout high school but I found myself attending mass once again while I was in boot camp. After boot camp I lost touch with my spirituality aside from one year where I attended midnight mass. After my time in the service I began attending a non-denominational Christian church. Slowly I began to lose faith in my catholic upbringing all together. I began to understand, on my own terms, that the sacraments I had been studying and preparing myself for in the catholic faith couldn't get me into heaven. I realized that if I wanted to get to heaven all I had to do was accept Christ as my savior. Moving out to California in the early part of 2000 may have been the best thing for my spirituality. The church my wife attended as a young woman quickly became our home church and over the next several years, my spirituality and the closeness I felt with my Savior grew and grew. I began studying the bible in earnest. I offered up my service to the church, first as an usher, and then later as a teacher in the children's ministries. I found myself praying morning and night. I listened to the Word on the radio while I was at work. I preoccupied my mind with thoughts of my Savior. In 2003 I felt a calling on my life into ministry and then into chaplaincy in the Navy. I talked with my pastor and shared my desire to enter the ministry. He was pleased and offered to help me find a bible college to attend as long as I did the things I needed to on my part. Now for reasons unknown to me, I procrastinated. I made no effort what so ever to find my high school transcripts, request my G.I. bill, or follow up with my pastor to see what schools were available to me. Spiritually, at the time I was still close in the relationship with my Lord. My family and I continued to attend church regularly, I had stopped being an usher at the church to focus more time in the children’s ministry. My wife and I began a weekly bible study group for the kids at the apartment complex we were living in. For most of the kids this was the only church they attended. We continued the home bible study group for the kids for several months until the interest of the children fizzled out due to pressures from their parents. Slowly, however, the amount of time my family and I would attend church began to dwindle. We stopped working in the children’s ministry, missed a weekend at church here and there. The weekends gradually became months. Then months became a year. I stopped praying like I did and only prayed out of fear of losing all connections I had with God. There are several days this past year where I did not pray at all. I don’t really see it as God left me, more like I left God. When I finally admitted to myself that I am an alcoholic I asked God to help me. I suppose this is how I ended up at HVRC. I feel guilty, spiritually. I know only God can help me overcome this disease that I now know I have, but I feel as if I have let Him down. So many opportunities were placed before me in the past and I allowed my problem with alcohol get in the way of the man I believe He wants me to be. I hope I can overcome this feeling of guilt that I have. As I am writing this, I hope that this aloneness I feel in my spirituality is part of His greater plan.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Goodbye Letter To Alcohol
Hey Alcohol,
Remember me? Its been awhile and by now you may have figured out that we are through, but I wanted to write this letter and make it final. I know we've been in a close and entangled relationship for the better part of my life, but I no longer need you to kiss my lips and hide away my emotions. I can go on without you. You were the worst mistress ever and at times I thought we were having a good time, but you always reminded me who was in charge. It was you. You cost me the love and the trust of my wife, my family, and my friends. I don't know why I told my wife I could live without you last year while I spent our entire time apart scheming ways to get you back into my life. Remember last Christmas at brunch? Oh how you had me fooled thinking I had control that day, but in the months that followed you proved time and time again that you had control over me. You held me in your embrace and nearly cut the life out from me and for that I must bid you farewell you cold, heartless, bitch. I have found that I can live without you and I am a better person without our poisonous affair.
Sincerely,
Jimmy
Remember me? Its been awhile and by now you may have figured out that we are through, but I wanted to write this letter and make it final. I know we've been in a close and entangled relationship for the better part of my life, but I no longer need you to kiss my lips and hide away my emotions. I can go on without you. You were the worst mistress ever and at times I thought we were having a good time, but you always reminded me who was in charge. It was you. You cost me the love and the trust of my wife, my family, and my friends. I don't know why I told my wife I could live without you last year while I spent our entire time apart scheming ways to get you back into my life. Remember last Christmas at brunch? Oh how you had me fooled thinking I had control that day, but in the months that followed you proved time and time again that you had control over me. You held me in your embrace and nearly cut the life out from me and for that I must bid you farewell you cold, heartless, bitch. I have found that I can live without you and I am a better person without our poisonous affair.
Sincerely,
Jimmy
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Ten Behaviors That Could Lead To My Relapse
1. By saying I will attend meetings but not attending them. (Losing focus on my recovery).
2. Not changing my thought pattern. (Thinking that I have the ability to drink like normal people).
3. Losing faith in my Higher Power to maintain my sobriety.
4. Not taking the time to make amends to those which whom my alcoholism affected. (This may lead me into drinking by guilt).
5. Not finding a sponsor to help me when I feel like giving up and drinking.
6. Daydreaming about alcohol.
7. Trying to hide my emotions instead of sharing them with someone.
8. Trying to prove myself to other people.
9. Self-pity.
10. Fantasizing about how the past could have been different.
2. Not changing my thought pattern. (Thinking that I have the ability to drink like normal people).
3. Losing faith in my Higher Power to maintain my sobriety.
4. Not taking the time to make amends to those which whom my alcoholism affected. (This may lead me into drinking by guilt).
5. Not finding a sponsor to help me when I feel like giving up and drinking.
6. Daydreaming about alcohol.
7. Trying to hide my emotions instead of sharing them with someone.
8. Trying to prove myself to other people.
9. Self-pity.
10. Fantasizing about how the past could have been different.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Ten Triggers and Ten Coping Skills
I was asked to list ten triggers that increased my craving to drink in the past and how I would deal with them in my sobriety. I will list a trigger followed by the coping skill I will use to stay sober.
Worrying about what other people are doing.
Remind myself that I cannot change people, places, or things.
Dealing with boredom.
Play my guitar, read a book, exercise.
Having a stressful day at work.
Talk it over with my carpool buddy on the way home from work.
Thinking about the end of my marriage.
Attend AA meetings and talk to people in similar situations.
When my daughter has a meltdown.
Go outside and gather my thoughts before trying to calm her down.
Thinking about drinking.
Find a sponsor and CALL THEM!
Our annual "unbirthday" party.
Make sure that I have a sober friend there.
Thinking about my daughter in Texas.
Call her, send her a text, or write her an email.
Watching other people drinking.
Remind myself that I lack the ability to drink like a normal person.
Being stressed out about my finances.
Educate myself on how to better budget my money.
Worrying about what other people are doing.
Remind myself that I cannot change people, places, or things.
Dealing with boredom.
Play my guitar, read a book, exercise.
Having a stressful day at work.
Talk it over with my carpool buddy on the way home from work.
Thinking about the end of my marriage.
Attend AA meetings and talk to people in similar situations.
When my daughter has a meltdown.
Go outside and gather my thoughts before trying to calm her down.
Thinking about drinking.
Find a sponsor and CALL THEM!
Our annual "unbirthday" party.
Make sure that I have a sober friend there.
Thinking about my daughter in Texas.
Call her, send her a text, or write her an email.
Watching other people drinking.
Remind myself that I lack the ability to drink like a normal person.
Being stressed out about my finances.
Educate myself on how to better budget my money.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Self Discovery
This is a special assignment that I asked my counselor for as I felt my work load was too light.
1. Look at yourself in the mirror. What type of person do you see?
As I look at myself in the mirror, I see a person uncertain of what the future holds in store for them. I see a person who worries about his family and how he will manage to pay his bills until he goes back to work. I see a person who is focused on his recovery. Mostly, as I look at myself in the mirror, I see some one who is scared of the uncertainties of life.
2. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be and why?
If I could change one thing about myself I would change my smile. As I was looking in the mirror I realized I do not like my smile. I spent many years in my addiction only smiling when I reached a certain point of inebriation which gradually grew harder and harder to. achieve. Now when I smile it looks forced. I hope in time that these feelings will change and one day I will enjoy smiling.
3. What is your biggest fear in life? Why do you think that is?
Right now my biggest fear in life is relapsing. I fear that if I relapse I will disappoint my family, my friends, and myself. I am afraid of hearing, "I told you so", or "I knew you couldn't change". I still have cravings to drink but I also realize what I will lose by taking one drink. I will lose the support of my family, my friends, but mostly, I will lose myself.
1. Look at yourself in the mirror. What type of person do you see?
As I look at myself in the mirror, I see a person uncertain of what the future holds in store for them. I see a person who worries about his family and how he will manage to pay his bills until he goes back to work. I see a person who is focused on his recovery. Mostly, as I look at myself in the mirror, I see some one who is scared of the uncertainties of life.
2. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be and why?
If I could change one thing about myself I would change my smile. As I was looking in the mirror I realized I do not like my smile. I spent many years in my addiction only smiling when I reached a certain point of inebriation which gradually grew harder and harder to. achieve. Now when I smile it looks forced. I hope in time that these feelings will change and one day I will enjoy smiling.
3. What is your biggest fear in life? Why do you think that is?
Right now my biggest fear in life is relapsing. I fear that if I relapse I will disappoint my family, my friends, and myself. I am afraid of hearing, "I told you so", or "I knew you couldn't change". I still have cravings to drink but I also realize what I will lose by taking one drink. I will lose the support of my family, my friends, but mostly, I will lose myself.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
The Truth About Me Drinking, The Truth About Me Sober
The Truth About Me Drinking
At first alcohol gave me a way to be social, pass the time, and feel good about myself. I am not exactly sure when my need to feel socially accepted gave in and my need to drink took over. I do know that I changed from being a happy, social drinker to one who began drinking alone. I became angry when the alcohol would run out. I started constantly worrying about how I was going to get that next drink. I began feeling paranoid all the time. I allowed my need to drink ruin relationships with my friends, my kids, and my wife. I became a social introvert. Had any of you met me while I was drinking and said, "hi" or "how's it going?" I would have pretended not to hear you and look the other way. So I guess the truth about me drinking is this: I was angry, mean, bitter, withdrawn, and the world's biggest asshole.
The Truth About Me Sober
To be honest I had to ask around about how I was supposed to write this assignment. It's been so long since I was sober that I can't even remember who I was before I started drinking. As I write this, I have 25 days of sobriety under my belt. From what I can tell, I am more emotional now that I have no way of hiding my emotions in a bottle. I can also say that I am more open to making new friendships than I have been in a long time. I got so good at hiding my problem with alcohol that I don't remember the last time I introduced myself to someone I didn't know. I like being sober. Even though the sun isn't as bright as it used to be when I would wake up still drunk or hungover it is nice to look into the mirror and not be ashamed of what I see.
At first alcohol gave me a way to be social, pass the time, and feel good about myself. I am not exactly sure when my need to feel socially accepted gave in and my need to drink took over. I do know that I changed from being a happy, social drinker to one who began drinking alone. I became angry when the alcohol would run out. I started constantly worrying about how I was going to get that next drink. I began feeling paranoid all the time. I allowed my need to drink ruin relationships with my friends, my kids, and my wife. I became a social introvert. Had any of you met me while I was drinking and said, "hi" or "how's it going?" I would have pretended not to hear you and look the other way. So I guess the truth about me drinking is this: I was angry, mean, bitter, withdrawn, and the world's biggest asshole.
The Truth About Me Sober
To be honest I had to ask around about how I was supposed to write this assignment. It's been so long since I was sober that I can't even remember who I was before I started drinking. As I write this, I have 25 days of sobriety under my belt. From what I can tell, I am more emotional now that I have no way of hiding my emotions in a bottle. I can also say that I am more open to making new friendships than I have been in a long time. I got so good at hiding my problem with alcohol that I don't remember the last time I introduced myself to someone I didn't know. I like being sober. Even though the sun isn't as bright as it used to be when I would wake up still drunk or hungover it is nice to look into the mirror and not be ashamed of what I see.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Ten Lies and Ten Broken Promoses
I lied to myself when I said, "one more beer and I'm going to bed."
I lied to my wife when I said, "I don't have a drinking problem."
I lied to my kids when I said, "we. can't go to the beach this weekend because we don't have any money."
I lied to my boss when I said, " I haven't been drinking."
I lied to my landlord when I said, "I don't have the rent money because they cut my hours at work."
I lied to my wife when I said, " I don't want to rub your back because I don't like the way your skin feels."
I lied to my dad when I said, "can I borrow money to check into rehab."
I lied to myself when I said, "I want to quit drinking," last year.
I lied to my wife when I said, "I'd rather spend time with the kids than drink."
I lied to my wife when she woke up and I said, "I haven't been drinking."
I promised my wife that I would quit drinking last year.
I promised myself I would get new glasses two years ago.
I promised my son I would take him fishing tomorrow if he let me drink tonight.
I promised my daughter that we would move to Texas last year.
I promised my oldest daughter that I would send her something for her birthday.
I promised my wife that I wouldn't buy any alcohol when I went to the store.
I promised my friend I would pay to fix his dryer when I passed out on it.
I promised my dad I would pay him back the money I borrowed to pay my rent after I drank the rent money away.
I promised my wife I would paint the kitchen instead of drinking all day.
I promised someone that I would not bug them anymore about their relationship with their best friend.
I lied to my wife when I said, "I don't have a drinking problem."
I lied to my kids when I said, "we. can't go to the beach this weekend because we don't have any money."
I lied to my boss when I said, " I haven't been drinking."
I lied to my landlord when I said, "I don't have the rent money because they cut my hours at work."
I lied to my wife when I said, " I don't want to rub your back because I don't like the way your skin feels."
I lied to my dad when I said, "can I borrow money to check into rehab."
I lied to myself when I said, "I want to quit drinking," last year.
I lied to my wife when I said, "I'd rather spend time with the kids than drink."
I lied to my wife when she woke up and I said, "I haven't been drinking."
I promised my wife that I would quit drinking last year.
I promised myself I would get new glasses two years ago.
I promised my son I would take him fishing tomorrow if he let me drink tonight.
I promised my daughter that we would move to Texas last year.
I promised my oldest daughter that I would send her something for her birthday.
I promised my wife that I wouldn't buy any alcohol when I went to the store.
I promised my friend I would pay to fix his dryer when I passed out on it.
I promised my dad I would pay him back the money I borrowed to pay my rent after I drank the rent money away.
I promised my wife I would paint the kitchen instead of drinking all day.
I promised someone that I would not bug them anymore about their relationship with their best friend.
The Masks I Wear
Today in recovery we had a two and a half hours of grief group in which we had to create a mask the we tend to wear. Here is my project.
My mask of social acceptance. I often wear this mask. on the outside I appear to be okay but in reality I just trying to hide under the radar so people can't see what is underneath.
The second mask I made is my mask of addiction. I am angry and confused because I don't know how I got this far into my alcoholism. I am screaming because of the things I did to feed my need for alcohol.
The final mask is the mask of emptiness. I feel so empty because for the longest time I have not been the man I was created to be.
My mask of social acceptance. I often wear this mask. on the outside I appear to be okay but in reality I just trying to hide under the radar so people can't see what is underneath.
The second mask I made is my mask of addiction. I am angry and confused because I don't know how I got this far into my alcoholism. I am screaming because of the things I did to feed my need for alcohol.
The final mask is the mask of emptiness. I feel so empty because for the longest time I have not been the man I was created to be.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Ten Negative Consequences
1. Because I chose to drink, someone I care about opened their heart to another and that makes me feel hurt.
2. Because I chose to drink, I am not allowed to live at home anymore and that makes me feel alone.
3. Because I chose to drink, I broke promises to my kids and that makes me feel ashamed.
4. Because I chose to drink, I cut myself off from friends and family and that makes me feel disconnected.
5. Because I chose to drink, I neglected to pay my bills on time and that makes me feel embarrassed.
6. Because I chose to drink, I became overweight and out of shape and that makes me feel ashamed.
7. Because I chose to drink, I often made a fool of myself and that makes me feel humiliated.
8. Because I chose to drink, I began lying to hide my drinking and that makes me feel helpless.
9. Because I chose to drink, I stopped cleaning my yard and fixing things around the house and that makes me feel embarrassed.
10. Because I chose to drink, I hurt the friends I had but have not no longer and that makes me feel unloved.
2. Because I chose to drink, I am not allowed to live at home anymore and that makes me feel alone.
3. Because I chose to drink, I broke promises to my kids and that makes me feel ashamed.
4. Because I chose to drink, I cut myself off from friends and family and that makes me feel disconnected.
5. Because I chose to drink, I neglected to pay my bills on time and that makes me feel embarrassed.
6. Because I chose to drink, I became overweight and out of shape and that makes me feel ashamed.
7. Because I chose to drink, I often made a fool of myself and that makes me feel humiliated.
8. Because I chose to drink, I began lying to hide my drinking and that makes me feel helpless.
9. Because I chose to drink, I stopped cleaning my yard and fixing things around the house and that makes me feel embarrassed.
10. Because I chose to drink, I hurt the friends I had but have not no longer and that makes me feel unloved.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Fears and Gratitudes.
I fear relapse
I fear recovery not working for me
I fear letting people close
I fear failure
I fear judgement
I fear admitting my faults
I fear an uncertain future
I fear getting angry
I fear hurting the people I love
I am grateful for the support of my family
I am grateful for detoxing
I am grateful for my job
I am grateful for recovery
I am grateful to be alive
I fear recovery not working for me
I fear letting people close
I fear failure
I fear judgement
I fear admitting my faults
I fear an uncertain future
I fear getting angry
I fear hurting the people I love
I am grateful for the support of my family
I am grateful for detoxing
I am grateful for my job
I am grateful for recovery
I am grateful to be alive
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