Sunday, March 4, 2012

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes

I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time


*Lyrics used without permission.


The last year of my addiction to alcohol was a sorrowful, sad, pitiful existence. I did not care about anything or anyone. I had no friends to speak of. I rarely shaved and did not cut my hair. I wore t-shirts and old jeans. I was a wreck. My appearance mirrored the life I had created for myself.



A lot has changed these past one hundred days. I only wear collared shirts in public. I have a pair of nice jeans that I wear on Fridays and to do yard work. I own six pairs of slacks which are two sizes smaller than the old, tattered jeans I wore last year. I like sweaters and no longer wear tennis shoes.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Remora

Cactus, cacti--
Catch me,
Not catch I.
Breathe in, breathe in, breathe in.
Exhale. Exhumed.
Let's go from this room.

Far away--
Away from here
Out on the streets
Like imbeclic cheats
Counting the flowers as they sway,
In the cracks we find along the way.

Tell me of the multifarious one;
Who preyed upon the crowd.
The judas goat,
Stabbing and then staggering
To his prayer rug
At the close of day.

Beaten and abused,
Picked up, put down, and used.
The gregarious remora, a beauteous fruit
Now bruised.

Lotus, Lodi--
Drunken and loaded?
No, not I.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Respire. Retire
Now into your tomb.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Romancing the Bottle

"The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker."  From the big book of AA, pp. 30

I have been having a lot of trouble with this lately. Call it fantasizing, romanticizing, or whatever you will. I know I will never have the ability to control my drinking.

I have heard it said, "one drink is too many, a thousand drinks is never enough." So I ask myself, what of one thought? Is one thought enough to lead into actions that will take me back to that horrible place?

Perhaps the thought, that causes me to cry out, "I wish I could control my drinking," is insanity in itself. I know where that first drink will take me. I do not wish to go back there. Why then, does my alcoholic mind try to convince me otherwise?

I do not want to feel the shame these thoughts bring me. I know it is my pride that makes me not do the right thing. I should call another AA. I should talk to someone about it. I cannot keep these thoughts to myself.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Returning to Work?

Returning to work.
Sooner or later, I knew I would have to do it. The rigorous schedule of the past few weeks have given away to the dull hum of the Onan generator on my truck.
Nervousness and worry soon gave way to boredom, as a good amount of time at my work is spent driving. While I haphazardly trek along the I-10 corridor, my mind tends to wander. How would I spend this new found time with my worst enemy for the past twenty-two years, my mind? I began a journey into the depths of my mind. Twists and turns, like the roads I drive everyday, revealed many things about who I was trying to keep locked away for so long.

I suppose I have long held a low tolerance for boredom. Sobriety has taught me many things about myself. Some were things I kept hidden deep inside and may never reveal here, but others I try to share.
I enjoy the rigors of my job greatly. At times the work can be challenging and engages my mind, so that I have no other choice but to remain focused at the task at hand.
Other times, especially when I find myself alone, my thoughts wander into places I'd rather not go. Places that reveal the true nature of my alcoholism.

These thoughts and places I tried so many years to avoid, I have shared with my psychiatrist. Like me, he agreed, I returned to work too soon. He has given me three more weeks off of work. He told me the alcoholism that I suffer from is not only a disease, but also a symptom. A symptom to something I may have been hiding for as long as I can remember. He has agreed to take me on this next step of my journey. His work is similar to mine, in that he also takes broken lines of communication any tries to repair them. I do not know if I will ever return to work or not. I do not know anything about the future, nor have I ever. At least for the time being, I'm not afraid of it.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Who Are You?

anitajimmy

You never know what to expect when you marry someone, the future is uncertain. We all have our ideals, of a life full of joy and ecstasy. Even when we know we are marrying someone who had the disease of addiction. Sometimes you can sense what is hidden beneath all the masks. When the masks are shed and the person who lies beneath comes to surface, it can be hard to swallow. You have known the other person so long, and loved that person and now love starts a new in many aspects. This is not an easy process for the addict nor for his family. You think to yourself "Who is this person?" This happened a lot during the latter part of his recovery when I met people telling me how amazing and awesome he is. Not that I don't think he is, or we would not have married but, I had lost that. When people would say he was a good listener and a good friend I wanted to cry. Again questioning, "Who is this person?" Then I resigned myself to "waiting my turn" to know this person.

jimmyanita

He was thinking, "How do I find myself?" While treatment brings out a lot of pain it also bring unexpected joys. Long lost talents and passions resurface. For my alcoholic they are things I have tried to nurture in him, things he pushed aside for a can of beer. Slowly, as the old skins shed and fall to the floor the new skin slowly comes together like a puzzle picture sides down. It's not fast, nor is it easy but....with a little help it can be achieved.

jimmyanita2

Right now, my husband also known as my alcoholic is in transition. He was able after three days back to work to get two weeks off. He went from an all day social healing experience to mostly solitary work. This gave his mind too much volume. Something that was masked by years of drinking, along with underlying depression. Yesterday, I learned that even though he is 36 years old he is mentally and emotionally 15. His heavy drinking began at 14. He never learned to be a teenager or adult properly.
I do get frustrated because his memory and concentration is that of a much older man. He can not remember many of our past, even recent past conversations. We have been working on communication because, without proper explanation I tend to end up in tears and he ends up frustrated. It's become almost like a parent and child relationship. Me making sure he understands and him thinking I should just know. However, I know he is not my child and is in fact my husband, lover and friend. But, his mind will not function normally for 2-5 years or so it's been said. So a lot of prayer is at hand as well as a lot of patience.


Anita AnnLink


Orginally Blogged at Oh, What A Spectacle!

Saturday, January 14, 2012

How Alcohol Broke My Heart




My oldest child was born while I was still a child myself and I named her, Stephanie LeAnne, after a Cabbage Patch doll. I was sixteen and her mother and I got married two weeks after she was born. I was a proud father, albeit a young one. I worked hard and managed to stay in school with passing grades. My life centered around that curly-haired, blue eyed angel God had placed in my arms. After school and long hours as a pastry cook in a hot kitchen, I still had the energy to hold her in my arms and rock her to sleep, whispering promises of a better future in to her tiny, pierced ears.



When I was eighteen, I graduated high school and joined the Marine Corps. My hopes of a better future for my daughter seemed in sight and I shipped out to boot camp two weeks before Stephanie's second birthday. I should have been gone only twelve weeks, but fate and a failure to disclose pertinent medical information kept me gone an additional four weeks. When I arrived home it was late in the evening and Stephanie had been long asleep. She woke up in the middle of the night and ran to my arms like I had only been out of the room for a few minutes. My heart melted. I was sure she would have forgotten me by the time I returned, but she had not.

Through a series of events I choose not to share here, I left for Marine Combat Training, two weeks after I returned, estranged from my wife. Unknown to me at the time, I would never live with my daughter again.

Suffering from depression and with a freedom not experienced in boot camp, I began to drink on a daily basis. I gave up calling my wife or talking to my daughter at all. I missed my daughter badly and I suppose out of spite for her mother I did not send any money home until her mother had to call my commanding officer and tell him of my devious acts.

I spent four years in the Marines and saw my daughter a few times on leave. I hated watching her grow up in pictures but it seemed to me to be my fate. I never stopped drinking. I forgot to send birthday cards or presents because of my drinking. At Christmas time I didn't call or write or send gifts like a father should. All I did was drink.

I spent a year and a half out of the Marine Corps sharing joint custody with Stephanie's mom. I was able to see Stephanie every other weekend and for an hour on Wednesdays. I hated the arrangement. I drank to deal with the pain and heartbreak. I drank because I was an alcoholic.

I moved to California when Stephanie was six. For a couple of years I was able to make the trip to pick her up so she could spend the summer with me. Then finances and my drinking problem got in the way of what little time we had. By the time the first summer came around that I was unable to make the trip, I had been a daily drinker for years, but that didn't stop me from trying to stuff my heartache deeper in to a bottle. This pattern of self abuse continued on for several years until I was able to fly her out in 2007 (thanks to the thoughtfulness of my current wife).



Stephanie had just turned fifteen when she arrived. It had been three years since she came out last. I met her at the airport, alone, and when she walked off the plane we hugged for an eternity. I felt the sense of relief I felt that first night I came home from boot camp. Time may come between us, but she didn't forget who I was. In spite of the joy I felt, reunited with my daughter, I drank all summer but we had fun and even made it to the beach. When the time came for her to leave, I again drove her to the airport alone. For some reason, as I watched her walk on to the plane, I knew I'd never see her as a little girl again. On the way home from the airport, I pulled off the road, and cried.



I was right. Stephanie isn't a little girl anymore. She has grown up into a beautiful woman with a life of her own choosing. This past summer while I was drunk, I upset her and her mom and for awhile neither would talk to me. It is hard knowing that she wouldn't talk to me because of something I did. I am very proud of her. She has a husband who is hard working and takes care of her.



They have a beautiful son together and another angel on the way. This summer will be five years since I have seen Stephanie, I am looking forward to seeing her again and the better future that she was able to make without me.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

What Shall We Do Today?


"I like whiskey. I always did and that is why I never drink it." ~ Robert E. Lee


Today is day fifty-two. As my mind begins to clear each day, it doesn't seem like it has been that long ago, but I suppose the calendar does not lie. Today was also the first day back to work from my disability (all though I took a vacation day).

I have had a bad habit of waking up early since my time in the Marine Corps, so this morning I set reminders for myself. First make the coffee (no reminder needed)! Second, say the serenity prayer and ask God to do his will in me today. Third, read from the daily reflections for A. A. members. Fourthly, read from the big book and reflect on what I read. I did all I had set out to do and looked at the clock on the DVR, 6 a.m.. Oh boy, I still had the whole day ahead of me and no plans.

I made chicken rice soup for breakfast and started the dishwasher. I washed clothes. I picked up toys. I vacuumed. I hung the clothes on the line. I looked at the clock on the DVR, 9 a.m.. Still had the better part of the day.

I tried to call my parents to let them know I finished my treatment, no answer. I tried watching a movie. I tried watching another movie. We ate turkey sandwiches and chicken rice soup for lunch. I tried to take a nap. I looked at the clock on the DVR, 2:30 p.m..

I wanted to go to a meeting, I didn't want to walk. I wanted the van to be fixed, it isn't. It is going to cost another $550. I don't have $550. I won't have $550 until February 3rd. We told the mechanic. He said that's fine as long as we pay him on the third. I wish more people were like our mechanic. I wish I was like our mechanic. I still wanted to go to a meeting. I still didn't want to walk.

I have a very low tolerance for boredom. Today was quite boring, but I didn't drink. In the past vacation days were excuses to drink all day. Today I learned to play two new songs on the guitar. I read. I cooked. I cleaned. I didn't take a nap or go to a meeting, but most importantly, I didn't drink.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Coining Out and A New Beginning

Jimmy's Board

Today, Jimmy "coined out" of his treatment. Most of the time people complete the steps for this before they leave, better insurance I suppose. However, Jimmy made his coining his last day. When I walked into that big room full of familiar and unfamiliar faces I was struck with emotion. Then I looked to the board to see what these people had written about him. To be honest I was a bit taken back. "Who is this guy?" I thought to myself. Don't get me wrong, I know in my heart he is an amazing person...the recent past has proven otherwise.
Each person spoke and most who really took the time to speak to him at some point had remarkable things to speak about him. My heart was sad that I have yet to meet that person but, it was also glad that that person is coming out.
When it got to me, I had to have the counselor, Lisa read my letter. My emotions were already shaken and tearfully nobody would have understood a word of it. This was my letter to him.

"Dearest Jimmy,
Its kind of hard to convey everything we've been through into a short amount of time. We met on a fall day in 1994. We were both young and full of promising lives. Our paths crossed that day on the back of that five ton truck and have never been the same.
I could say it hasn't been a joy but, I'd be lying...mostly. There are been great times and some seriously trying times. I know when we married I was choosing to marry an alcoholic. I was choosing a life I had tried to avoid but, my heart won over my intellect.
We were young and the worries of the world ahead were unknown.
Since we've been together we've given birth to five amazing kids and have lost six angels. Most of our kids are challenged and I know this weighs heavy on your heart. But, I do believe god gave them to us because, he knows our hearts. He knows you care deeply and when you are right in your mind you're a blessing to our children. It takes a great deal of strength to raise children with Autism, epilepsy, Aspergers, bi-polar disorder and then waiting years before some can ever utter a simple "I love you". But, they do. Their love can be seen on there eyes as they race at the sound of the gate to get the first embrace.
The past year was the most trying. There was a loveless desert between us. I know it was hard on you to see me pull away so much at the end. I had to save myself so as to let you go and discover what you needed to do to be whole in your own life. It was a hard and heartbreaking act for me to do. For me to have to behave so selfishly broke me.
I know we've got a great amount of healing ahead of us and a good amount behind us.
. But, I'm here today as your wife and friend to support and love you. I'm here to try and get past all the lies and broken promises if the past as we walk together into the future. Right now I see the man I had the honor of having a glimpse at back in 1994 before the drunken days and nights began.
Love
Anita Ann

"You came from space with a brand new laugh and a different face"
From And it Spread by The Avett Brothers"


There was the sound of tears while it was being read and we looked each other in the eyes. Our life will never be the same.



Jimmy and C.L.

Jimmy, exchanged his number and email address with quite a few people. This is not the Jimmy I know. It is a good sign of things to come.

Jimmy and J.M.

He posed for pictures with a few people he had grown close to.

Jimmy and C.S.

He promised to keep in touch.

Jimmy and B.R.

He promised to smile more.

Jimmy and Anita

He promised to keep working on his steps.

stuff

He has hope, love and most of all determination. I have no doubt his heart is in it.

Love,
Momma

Friday, January 6, 2012

"I Fear My Head, Gordon"

Yesterday in our men's group not one person had an assignment to present. It was the first time since I have been there that no one presented. So our counselor, Gordon went around the room and asked everyone what they fear at the moment. I was around the ninth or tenth person he asked, so I had a lot of time to think about what I really feared at the moment. As he called on me, I simply answered, "yes?" even though I knew what he wanted. I suppose I was trying to delay the inevitable. I told him my greatest fear was my head. He asked me what I meant by that. So I'll share with you now. I know that I don't want to drink any more I know I can't. I know if I take just one drink, I'll end up right where I left off in November. I am convinced now that I have a disease and that disease is alcoholism, "the slowest form of suicide" there is. That doesn't seem to stop me though from worrying that my head might try and convince me that it would be okay to have a drink even though I know I can't. I guess it is something I will have to
struggle with on a day to day basis. That's why AA says, "one day at a time". So that's what I feared yesterday. I don't know if my fears will change today or not. All I know is I have to do whatever I did yesterday so that I won't drink. Because whatever I did yesterday, worked.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Poem for a Broken Heart

I used to write poetry. While I was a freshman in high school I was in Future Teachers of America and I won a statewide contest for a poem I wrote. I have been writing again in recreation and I wrote a poem for a friend of mine who was dealing with a broken heart. So I decided to share it here.

A million facades of a thousand faces
Fill the cracks and empty spaces
And drown the chaos that took the place
Of a heart so broken there remains no trace

I count the smiles, I count the frowns
Outside the leaves, in yellows and browns
Cloak the remnants of this town
Like the heart of a king who's lost his crown

And eyes that judge and try to feign
A forbidden love that waxed and waned
And bound his heart in a thousand chains
So that the emptiness is all that remains

I hope that helped my friend. It helped me to write it.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Want Ad for a Higher Power

This was a three part assignment given to me due to my lack of a Higher Power.

Part I- The Ad

Spiritually dead male, age 36 in search of a Higher Power to restore me to sanity. Must be loving, compassionate, and able to forgive my past mistakes. Must be willing to guide me now and into the future, gracefully. Must be available late at night when I think a drink will fix the messes I have made. If this is you please knock on my heart's door. I will be waiting.

Part II- My Higher Power's response to my ad

In response to your ad, this is God. I have already forgiven you. That is why I sent my son you die for you and your sins. You once believed but then you turned your back on me. I never let you leave my sights. I have been with you always. I was with you all those days and nights while you were struggling. I was right beside you. You just chose not to look my way. I am here for you now like I have always been. The door to my heart is always open, come on in.

Part III- My reply to my Higher Power. (It took several days for me to reply back).

Hey God, it's me, Jimmy. I'd like to thank you for your quick response to my ad. I'm sorry it has taken so long for me to get back to you, but I really had to do a lot of soul searching before I could figure out how to reply back to You. I know I have been hiding in the shadows for quite some time now but I also know I have a disease. A disease that is lethal, physically, mentally, and spiritually. I suppose if I look back on the progression of my disease, my spirituality died some time ago, followed by my physical being. I gained weight from the alcohol I consumed and watched my blood pressure shoot through the roof. At the end of my use, my mental state was far from anything I'd call normal. I suppose the oppisite is the same for my recovery. My head cleared from the alcohol, rational thinking quickly returned. My blood pressure came into check and I have been losing weight steadily, but my spirituality is still lagging. I know it's not at the place it once used to be and I hope in time it will be back there. I also know from studying the second and third steps that recovery will not work without the faith of a Higher Power (to restore me to sanity). So, that being said, I put my trust in You, that what I have been through is a part of Your greater plan and it is only with Your help that I can recover.