Monday, January 23, 2012

Returning to Work?

Returning to work.
Sooner or later, I knew I would have to do it. The rigorous schedule of the past few weeks have given away to the dull hum of the Onan generator on my truck.
Nervousness and worry soon gave way to boredom, as a good amount of time at my work is spent driving. While I haphazardly trek along the I-10 corridor, my mind tends to wander. How would I spend this new found time with my worst enemy for the past twenty-two years, my mind? I began a journey into the depths of my mind. Twists and turns, like the roads I drive everyday, revealed many things about who I was trying to keep locked away for so long.

I suppose I have long held a low tolerance for boredom. Sobriety has taught me many things about myself. Some were things I kept hidden deep inside and may never reveal here, but others I try to share.
I enjoy the rigors of my job greatly. At times the work can be challenging and engages my mind, so that I have no other choice but to remain focused at the task at hand.
Other times, especially when I find myself alone, my thoughts wander into places I'd rather not go. Places that reveal the true nature of my alcoholism.

These thoughts and places I tried so many years to avoid, I have shared with my psychiatrist. Like me, he agreed, I returned to work too soon. He has given me three more weeks off of work. He told me the alcoholism that I suffer from is not only a disease, but also a symptom. A symptom to something I may have been hiding for as long as I can remember. He has agreed to take me on this next step of my journey. His work is similar to mine, in that he also takes broken lines of communication any tries to repair them. I do not know if I will ever return to work or not. I do not know anything about the future, nor have I ever. At least for the time being, I'm not afraid of it.

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