Romancing the Bottle

"The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker."  From the big book of AA, pp. 30

I have been having a lot of trouble with this lately. Call it fantasizing, romanticizing, or whatever you will. I know I will never have the ability to control my drinking.

I have heard it said, "one drink is too many, a thousand drinks is never enough." So I ask myself, what of one thought? Is one thought enough to lead into actions that will take me back to that horrible place?

Perhaps the thought, that causes me to cry out, "I wish I could control my drinking," is insanity in itself. I know where that first drink will take me. I do not wish to go back there. Why then, does my alcoholic mind try to convince me otherwise?

I do not want to feel the shame these thoughts bring me. I know it is my pride that makes me not do the right thing. I should call another AA. I should talk to someone about it. I cannot keep these thoughts to myself.