Coining Out and A New Beginning

Today, Jimmy "coined out" of his treatment. Most of the time people complete the steps for this before they leave, better insurance I suppose. However, Jimmy made his coining his last day. When I walked into that big room full of familiar and unfamiliar faces I was struck with emotion. Then I looked to the board to see what these people had written about him. To be honest I was a bit taken back. "Who is this guy?" I thought to myself. Don't get me wrong, I know in my heart he is an amazing person...the recent past has proven otherwise.
Each person spoke and most who really took the time to speak to him at some point had remarkable things to speak about him. My heart was sad that I have yet to meet that person but, it was also glad that that person is coming out.
When it got to me, I had to have the counselor, Lisa read my letter. My emotions were already shaken and tearfully nobody would have understood a word of it. This was my letter to him.

"Dearest Jimmy,
Its kind of hard to convey everything we've been through into a short amount of time. We met on a fall day in 1994. We were both young and full of promising lives. Our paths crossed that day on the back of that five ton truck and have never been the same.
I could say it hasn't been a joy but, I'd be lying...mostly. There are been great times and some seriously trying times. I know when we married I was choosing to marry an alcoholic. I was choosing a life I had tried to avoid but, my heart won over my intellect.
We were young and the worries of the world ahead were unknown.
Since we've been together we've given birth to five amazing kids and have lost six angels. Most of our kids are challenged and I know this weighs heavy on your heart. But, I do believe god gave them to us because, he knows our hearts. He knows you care deeply and when you are right in your mind you're a blessing to our children. It takes a great deal of strength to raise children with Autism, epilepsy, Aspergers, bi-polar disorder and then waiting years before some can ever utter a simple "I love you". But, they do. Their love can be seen on there eyes as they race at the sound of the gate to get the first embrace.
The past year was the most trying. There was a loveless desert between us. I know it was hard on you to see me pull away so much at the end. I had to save myself so as to let you go and discover what you needed to do to be whole in your own life. It was a hard and heartbreaking act for me to do. For me to have to behave so selfishly broke me.
I know we've got a great amount of healing ahead of us and a good amount behind us.
. But, I'm here today as your wife and friend to support and love you. I'm here to try and get past all the lies and broken promises if the past as we walk together into the future. Right now I see the man I had the honor of having a glimpse at back in 1994 before the drunken days and nights began.
Love
Anita Ann

"You came from space with a brand new laugh and a different face"
From And it Spread by The Avett Brothers"

There was the sound of tears while it was being read and we looked each other in the eyes. Our life will never be the same.

Jimmy, exchanged his number and email address with quite a few people. This is not the Jimmy I know. It is a good sign of things to come.

He posed for pictures with a few people he had grown close to.

He promised to keep in touch.

He promised to smile more.

He promised to keep working on his steps.

He has hope, love and most of all determination. I have no doubt his heart is in it.

Love,
Momma

"I Fear My Head, Gordon"

Yesterday in our men's group not one person had an assignment to present. It was the first time since I have been there that no one presented. So our counselor, Gordon went around the room and asked everyone what they fear at the moment. I was around the ninth or tenth person he asked, so I had a lot of time to think about what I really feared at the moment. As he called on me, I simply answered, "yes?" even though I knew what he wanted. I suppose I was trying to delay the inevitable. I told him my greatest fear was my head. He asked me what I meant by that. So I'll share with you now. I know that I don't want to drink any more I know I can't. I know if I take just one drink, I'll end up right where I left off in November. I am convinced now that I have a disease and that disease is alcoholism, "the slowest form of suicide" there is. That doesn't seem to stop me though from worrying that my head might try and convince me that it would be okay to have a drink even though I know I can't. I guess it is something I will have to
struggle with on a day to day basis. That's why AA says, "one day at a time". So that's what I feared yesterday. I don't know if my fears will change today or not. All I know is I have to do whatever I did yesterday so that I won't drink. Because whatever I did yesterday, worked.

Poem for a Broken Heart

I used to write poetry. While I was a freshman in high school I was in Future Teachers of America and I won a statewide contest for a poem I wrote. I have been writing again in recreation and I wrote a poem for a friend of mine who was dealing with a broken heart. So I decided to share it here.

A million facades of a thousand faces
Fill the cracks and empty spaces
And drown the chaos that took the place
Of a heart so broken there remains no trace

I count the smiles, I count the frowns
Outside the leaves, in yellows and browns
Cloak the remnants of this town
Like the heart of a king who's lost his crown

And eyes that judge and try to feign
A forbidden love that waxed and waned
And bound his heart in a thousand chains
So that the emptiness is all that remains

I hope that helped my friend. It helped me to write it.

Want Ad for a Higher Power

This was a three part assignment given to me due to my lack of a Higher Power.

Part I- The Ad

Spiritually dead male, age 36 in search of a Higher Power to restore me to sanity. Must be loving, compassionate, and able to forgive my past mistakes. Must be willing to guide me now and into the future, gracefully. Must be available late at night when I think a drink will fix the messes I have made. If this is you please knock on my heart's door. I will be waiting.

Part II- My Higher Power's response to my ad

In response to your ad, this is God. I have already forgiven you. That is why I sent my son you die for you and your sins. You once believed but then you turned your back on me. I never let you leave my sights. I have been with you always. I was with you all those days and nights while you were struggling. I was right beside you. You just chose not to look my way. I am here for you now like I have always been. The door to my heart is always open, come on in.

Part III- My reply to my Higher Power. (It took several days for me to reply back).

Hey God, it's me, Jimmy. I'd like to thank you for your quick response to my ad. I'm sorry it has taken so long for me to get back to you, but I really had to do a lot of soul searching before I could figure out how to reply back to You. I know I have been hiding in the shadows for quite some time now but I also know I have a disease. A disease that is lethal, physically, mentally, and spiritually. I suppose if I look back on the progression of my disease, my spirituality died some time ago, followed by my physical being. I gained weight from the alcohol I consumed and watched my blood pressure shoot through the roof. At the end of my use, my mental state was far from anything I'd call normal. I suppose the oppisite is the same for my recovery. My head cleared from the alcohol, rational thinking quickly returned. My blood pressure came into check and I have been losing weight steadily, but my spirituality is still lagging. I know it's not at the place it once used to be and I hope in time it will be back there. I also know from studying the second and third steps that recovery will not work without the faith of a Higher Power (to restore me to sanity). So, that being said, I put my trust in You, that what I have been through is a part of Your greater plan and it is only with Your help that I can recover.

The FIrst Step

Step One: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.

The First Step

As a young boy I recall my parents being social drinkers. I remember watching my parents celebrating the holidays and the good times with friends over alcohol. I was intrigued by their alluring laughter and the kinship brought on by the foul smelling, funny tasting beverages my father would concoct in our kitchen.
My earliest experience with alcohol was when I ten. I was an alter boy in our church and I was tasked with refilling the cruets with wine and water after mass. I’m not really sure why I did it but I found myself one evening after mass sneaking sips of the wine. I disliked the taste and I was unable to understand at the time what was so glamorous about alcohol to my parents or why they would choose to celebrate with it. I vowed never to drink again that day but I was only ten at the time and unable to understand the true power that alcohol could have in a person’s life.
It was four years later when my drinking career began in earnest. My father had lost his steady job and my parents, unable to pay the tuition at the Catholic school I attended, decided it would be best if I moved across town with my grandparents. I didn’t understand why I had to leave the house at such an early age. I was the good kid. My sisters, teenagers at the time, had started with their rebellious behavior and yet it seemed like I was the one being punished. The only answer my parents could give me at the time as to why I couldn’t attend our local school district was simply because there were too many minorities at the school I would have to attend.
I hated living with my grandparents but after the school year I was able to return home. My father had begun working out of town and was gone for months at a time. My mother for reasons still unknown to me began allowing my sisters to have parties at our house. Alcohol was always present and my bedroom soon became the hookup room. It wasn’t uncommon for me to wake up and have to slither my way around people passed out all over our floor.
I lost my virginity that summer. One of my sister’s friends came on to me as we sat outside on the porch swing. She asked if I was a virgin and I told her I was. She seemed excited by the thought of taking my virginity and even though I still considered myself a good Catholic boy and wanted to save myself for marriage, I gave in. Afterwards, perhaps out of guilt or shame, I began drinking. For awhile I only drank on the weekends and it seemed to make me popular with my sister’s friends but I soon found myself drinking alone and on the weekdays.
When I was sixteen I got my girlfriend pregnant. We waited as long as we could before we told our parents. My girlfriend and I got married after my oldest daughter was born and just before my seventeenth birthday. We both stayed in school and my daughter gave me reasons not to drink. For a short time I managed to stay sober, but soon I was back on the bottle again.
It was just before I left for boot camp that my mother-in-law found a pint of Jack Daniels in my dresser drawer. She gave me an ominous warning that alcohol could ruin my life, to which I did not heed. After boot camp I began to drink on a daily basis. Drinking gave me a way to feel social and pass the time. It also gave me a way to hide the depression I was suffering from the dissolution of my first marriage and the distance I spent from my daughter.
I left the Marine Corps in 1998, returned home, and married my current wife a year later Though I was happy to be near my daughter again and in a good relationship with my current wife I was unable to stop drinking.
The first time my wife left me, after the birth of our second son, was because of my drinking problem. You might think this would scare me sober however you would be mistaken. Even though I was to drunk to walk down the stairs and she had taken the kids and the car and the money, I somehow managed to find enough quarters in our laundry money to walk to the liquor store, buy a case of beer, and stuff my emotions back down. She came back the next day under the guise that I would quit drinking, however a week later I fell off the wagon and was soon back to my old ways.
Year after year my wife and I would fight and argue about my drinking problem and time and time again I gave her the empty promise to quit drinking all the while knowing I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to quit drinking. I only wanted her to stop nagging me about it.
This past decade has been a blur. A cloudy, drunken haze most of which I don’t remember. My wife claims that I quit drinking at one point for several months at a time but I do not recall this period of my life.
Last year, I promised her I would quit drinking for good and I managed to stay sober for seven weeks, but at Christmas I decided I could drink just like everyone else did. I gave into the urge and took my first drink and my life quickly spiraled down from there. Alcohol held me in it’s suffocating grasp for this past year and in the end I was drinking just to maintain my sanity (or what little of it I thought I had).
The last night I drank I do not remember. I blacked out. I know my wife and I fought and argued. I know we fought and argued the next morning when I woke up and the arguments continued for most of the day. It came down to two choices. She would leave with the kids or I could leave and get help with my drinking problem. I left. I had no where to go and spent the evening in my van in the Wal-mart parking lot. I was broken. I had lost everything, my wife, my kids, and my home. I had lost a losing battle, 22 years in the making. Just as my first mother-in-law had predicted some 17 years ago, alcohol had ruined me and what little of a life that I had left had been unmanageable for as long as I could remember

What is My Relationship with God?

I was asked by my counselor to answer the following questions; What is my relationship with God? Is it the way I want it? Why or why not?

Here is my reply.

​I suppose if I were to talk about my relationship with God then I would have to tell you how it got the way it did from the beginning. I was born to a catholic family in the south. I suppose that might be kind of an oxymoron and in a town that was run by baptists it was.I was fortunate enough to attend catholic school and we attended mass every Monday and Friday as a class along with mass on Saturdays with my family. I began my mornings with prayers just as I had been taught at school. When I was old enough I became an alter boy and greatly cherished my service to the church. I quickly became a favorite alter boy of the bishop over our diocese. When I was in eighth grade I left the catholic school I attended due to financial stress on the family. I no longer attended mass three times a week. In the years that followed I began to lose all contact I had with the catholic church. That carried on throughout high school but I found myself attending mass once again while I was in boot camp. After boot camp I lost touch with my spirituality aside from one year where I attended midnight mass. After my time in the service I began attending a non-denominational Christian church. Slowly I began to lose faith in my catholic upbringing all together. I began to understand, on my own terms, that the sacraments I had been studying and preparing myself for in the catholic faith couldn't get me into heaven. I realized that if I wanted to get to heaven all I had to do was accept Christ as my savior. Moving out to California in the early part of 2000 may have been the best thing for my spirituality. The church my wife attended as a young woman quickly became our home church and over the next several years, my spirituality and the closeness I felt with my Savior grew and grew. I began studying the bible in earnest. I offered up my service to the church, first as an usher, and then later as a teacher in the children's ministries. I found myself praying morning and night. I listened to the Word on the radio while I was at work. I preoccupied my mind with thoughts of my Savior. In 2003 I felt a calling on my life into ministry and then into chaplaincy in the Navy. I talked with my pastor and shared my desire to enter the ministry. He was pleased and offered to help me find a bible college to attend as long as I did the things I needed to on my part. Now for reasons unknown to me, I procrastinated. I made no effort what so ever to find my high school transcripts, request my G.I. bill, or follow up with my pastor to see what schools were available to me. Spiritually, at the time I was still close in the relationship with my Lord. My family and I continued to attend church regularly, I had stopped being an usher at the church to focus more time in the children’s ministry. My wife and I began a weekly bible study group for the kids at the apartment complex we were living in. For most of the kids this was the only church they attended. We continued the home bible study group for the kids for several months until the interest of the children fizzled out due to pressures from their parents. Slowly, however, the amount of time my family and I would attend church began to dwindle. We stopped working in the children’s ministry, missed a weekend at church here and there. The weekends gradually became months. Then months became a year. I stopped praying like I did and only prayed out of fear of losing all connections I had with God. There are several days this past year where I did not pray at all. I don’t really see it as God left me, more like I left God. When I finally admitted to myself that I am an alcoholic I asked God to help me. I suppose this is how I ended up at HVRC. I feel guilty, spiritually. I know only God can help me overcome this disease that I now know I have, but I feel as if I have let Him down. So many opportunities were placed before me in the past and I allowed my problem with alcohol get in the way of the man I believe He wants me to be. I hope I can overcome this feeling of guilt that I have. As I am writing this, I hope that this aloneness I feel in my spirituality is part of His greater plan.

Goodbye Letter To Alcohol

Hey Alcohol,

Remember me? Its been awhile and by now you may have figured out that we are through, but I wanted to write this letter and make it final. I know we've been in a close and entangled relationship for the better part of my life, but I no longer need you to kiss my lips and hide away my emotions. I can go on without you. You were the worst mistress ever and at times I thought we were having a good time, but you always reminded me who was in charge. It was you. You cost me the love and the trust of my wife, my family, and my friends. I don't know why I told my wife I could live without you last year while I spent our entire time apart scheming ways to get you back into my life. Remember last Christmas at brunch? Oh how you had me fooled thinking I had control that day, but in the months that followed you proved time and time again that you had control over me. You held me in your embrace and nearly cut the life out from me and for that I must bid you farewell you cold, heartless, bitch. I have found that I can live without you and I am a better person without our poisonous affair.

Sincerely,
Jimmy